I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
