His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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