I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
