I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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