I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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