My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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