just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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