We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
