Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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