Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
