I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So here I am, sexting at work.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
