I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
