i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
