we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
