awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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