I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
