I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
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This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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