Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
