Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
