The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
