the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
