I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
