Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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