Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
