He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
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My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.