Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
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You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow