i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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