last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
