one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Randomize
