Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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