I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
