Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
