i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
