I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
