That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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