I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
