he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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