i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
