i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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