My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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