I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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