How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
