If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
