If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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