I need to stop coming to work sober
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
