MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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