This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
