He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
