mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
