just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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