I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
