you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
