I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
