I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
