Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
