I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
