So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
