last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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