And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
