Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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