are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
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There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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