Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
