my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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