Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
